After three exciting week in America, I was so happy to return back to the UK. I miss the British vibe and the humid weather here compared to what I experienced in Nevada. However, only one week, one week in the UK, I realised one thing.

I realised something about myself that makes people don’t really like me. The moment I open my mouth to talk, people started to judge me.

They don’t like the way i speak or behave in certain ways. I noticed that the community (read: from my country) isn’t really interested in including me in the circle. Maybe I sound pessimistic but it’s just painful to realise how socially awkward I am. they judged me based on how I behave in college. I mean, yeah I’m improved so much in terms of style and the way i behave (sebab kt college lg teruk perangai ni) but yeah they bring everything from the past to the present and keep that as guidance on treating someone who used to super socially awkward like i am. 

In the end, even my bestfriends keep telling me the core of the problem lies on the way I speak.

you don’t speak you mind, what you say is different than what you mean, you’re very hard to be understood by people. That’s why people just straight up stamp that “weirdo” signature on you.

I noticed this pattern. yeah, It’s hard since I am being myself the whole time but being myself isn’t what make me happy. why? well when people say you’re weird. 

I mean it’s not about do things just for other people, this is no longer about me worrying about other people and not wanting to be myself just because I want people to like me. in the end who cares right? I feel awful in both ways! being myself isn’t a good thing since people will just shoo me away, while pleasing others all the time isn’t sustainable in terms of living a good life.

So how now? 

worst, i just make people pissed off just by the way i speak! (this was the trigger)

I don’t know. I’m just the worst in terms of making friends and socialising. I want to be myself but it’s not something that makes me happy either. (I really hope you guys get this).

Now, the best thing to do is to come correct and reinvent the idea of “myself” creating a new me and come correct. when i reinvent the idea of myself, i’ll try (really hard to) create new characteristics and persona. not by wearing “masks” rather just a whole new body of me.

yeah, let’s come correct, let’s reinvent, start from scratch. no, not to please other people, this is for me, my own satisfaction, so when people ask me to be myself….

well, this IS myself

p/s: I am sad, really sad, devastated. God gave me 3 weeks to be happy, and easily turn that around in just 1 week. I was super emotional when i left America, but then when I arrived here i rediscover this problem of me being myself. sakit.

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